I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
