chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
