did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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