I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
