Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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