I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize