Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
