it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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