Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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