True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
