You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Hippo gnu deer
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
