I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize