here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
