Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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