walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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