Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Randomize
