Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
We left an ass print on the piano.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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