Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
