The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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