can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
