so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
