The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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