If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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