Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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