Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
