I faked an abortion last night.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
