Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
