My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize