I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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