I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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