Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
