Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I checked into jail on foursquare
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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