A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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