i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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