Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
