You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
