If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
