im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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