Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
