saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
