No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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