he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
