I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Randomize
