I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
