our cab driver is having phone sex.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
