The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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