Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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