That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
