They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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