I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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