i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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