my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
