Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
