I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You dont lie about slip and slides
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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