Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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