So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
