I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Enjoy the penises
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
