Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Dear god my vagina.
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