when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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