Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
