How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
