miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
