saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
