y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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