Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
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