So drunk its hurt
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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