someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
