she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
