Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
